/jp/ - 2D/Random

things are going well in life
I start to feel less depressed and less cynical
I come out of my shell a bit
I meet a boy
he's kind to me. we have chemistry
I wonder if I'm wrong that all men are trash.
I wonder if my fear of relationships is caused by trauma. perhaps, it my experience is bad luck and perhaps, my luck can even change.
this hope fills some weird void in my soul. the grass starts to look greener
it takes a pitifully short amount of time to convince me of all this too
I am living in my head and so in the moment I really think a man likes me for more than my body
and one day, the moment is right. I'm super horny, I trust him, and so I fuck him
and what do you think happens when I do that.
everything changes.
of course it does.
it doesn't even matter if he said he wouldn't.
daily good morning texts become weekly "how you been" texts become monthly "u up?" texts become nothing at all.

why do I keep falling back into this delusions that good men exist, and that one of them cherishes ME? How do I let go of the prince charming fantasy I created in childhood once and for all, and how do I be happy without it? Is it possible to become a legitimate lesbian intentionally?

I just want to be cherished. Romantically. I don't know wtf happened to me to make this such an obsession. The depressive crash I feel every time this happens often gets in the way of my career, yet I never learn.